Wall of Smoke - Written by Mad Queen

 Wall of Smoke 

By: Mad Queen

There are moments when the thoughts of tomorrow consume me with the waking now. And in this trap of forward thinking I easily lose today. All that is, is what is right now and forever a million times over. The future offers us no promise of existence. We are only who we are within this moment. 

So who are you or who am I in this eternal fraction of eternity? Who do we see and who do we project? What do we command and what do we fear? The conceptual consideration of the almost unfathomable enigma of true infinite possibility could in fact, with conscious application, drive a person into insanity, power or both. 

The blinding lights swirl within the shadows of my fingertips, almost there to be realized almost there to be touched, yet like a moment, fades away in the blink of an eye. My mind cannot comprehend my feeble heart and hates it so. My heart; disgusted with the coldness of my mind. 

And in the middle, in the balance, hangs the simple paradox of what is me. I feel like I’ve been shattered into a million tiny shards of reflection, each one a different facet of self that I can pick up individually and examine, get to know and place back inside the vessel that confines me in a manner I so choose. There is no more being the me I was yesterday or even a minute ago. 

Though I can’t seem to find any true connection to anyone at the same time I am connected to all and this comforts the dying and growing child in me. The thought of all inevitably brings me back to myself. 

And once again the journey can be begun. 

All thoughts we have are true, all emotions and reactions we have are the reflections of our understanding of self. When we rationalize these reactions, thoughts and emotions we are once again not in the waking now. The intensity of being is lost and often we will try to justify or negate our primal reactions. “I shouldn’t feel this way because” or “I’m overreacting”. 

To me this is an injustice against not only yourself but the entire world with which you interact. Rather than argue with the reactive, primal, non-yielding aspect of that which you are, my suggestion is get to know him or her. There have been many books and writings on meeting your darker half. This is not one of them. 

I suggest ALL reactions be examined with no predisposed notion of good or bad. Feel the current of your surroundings and see the pattern in your response to that current. When you identify a recurring theme, perhaps it is a good time to say hello. 

Do you react with anger? 

How is this good or bad? 

Can you see that anger can consume but also fuel? 

Do you react with patience or love? 

Can you see that patience and love can nurture others but sometimes destroy parts of you? 

There is no polarity in reaction and response, simply the raw cause and effect.

Understanding the facets of your raw nature, their potential to power and drain, at least for me is liberating. No explanation is needed, I am justified as I am Just, simply, me. 

The viewing of facets and understanding of effect is not simply for knowledge. To me it is a form of ultimate power, for now you can work to truly shape your reactions, which are in essence the projection of you onto the world. Shape not this projection based upon the imposed righteousness of outside ideologies, but rather with examination of your own ever-changing, self imposed morals and ideology - malleable as you progress through experience, rewritable as need be or seen fit, no apologies required or valid. 

Take your shards of reflection and put you together in the image of your own god, yourself. 

The Wall of Smoke Mediation 

Sitting in a dark room activates the imagination, when I was younger I remember seeing clothes on a chair turn to a person, or shadows on the wall would tell me stories. It’s almost as if the lack of light allows you to free parts of your psyche that stays hidden under harsh judging light. Maybe not, but that’s my take on it. So only seems right to start this mediation in a dark room. 

Sit someplace comfortable in front of a mirror, I find a full length mirror works best as once you enter the state of greeting your raw nature, there may be body language changes and gestures that you can gleam more meaning from. However if this is not possible as long as you can see your entire face you will have good results. I have not tried this standing in a bathroom mirror, although I suppose if you can relax and induce a trance state easily while standing then it would probably work. I should actually try that, not using the chair as a crutch, but I find it easier to reach the greeting in a seated position. 

Whilst sitting light an incense of your choice at your feet. If you have one you like to use for meditation or invocation using that would probably be a good choice as you already associate it with magical workings. I personally typically burn lavender, white willow and white sage on a charcoal tablet. It creates a good amount of smoke and I like the smell. At one time I chose these for traditionally associated properties, but honestly, I forget and think it matters little at this point. This combo smells like magic to me now. 

Once you have your wall of smoke forming between the mirror self and physical self, light a candle next to the incense to cast a minimal light. I typically use two tea lights as it seems to be light enough to see my face but not too much to illuminate the room. Plus I like the synchronicity, two me’s two lights. 

Now bathe the room in darkness and begin to relax your body into a trance like state. There are multiple methods of doing this, I personally start with slow deep breathing and purposeful muscle tensioning and relaxation; Tensing all my muscles at once on the intake of breath and relaxing slowly with the breathing out. Once I get to a point where tensing seems difficult, I simply allow myself melt physically and I know I’m almost there. 

Keep eye contact with your reflection throughout this. Now the fun begins. 

Once you reach your magical state, focus on the quality or raw reaction you want to meet. This is typically amplified by use of a mantra or for me incoherent whispers in a non-sequential language. I am speaking the language of all, where the words do not convey the meaning, but the pitch and sound and pace do. I have on occasion written a mantra or invocation of self; it really depends how I feel. 

But you know you, so long as your mind is intent on the greeting of you, the words matter not. Break through the wall of smoke and greet yourself. This will start with unladen thoughts or perspectives and as the connection and intensity grows you will see the you in the mirror start to respond. 

I talk to her; she will argue and conversate with me:

I tell her, “but I do this because I love this person”, she will tell me “Fool, do you not see how love has corrupted your ideals?” and we will go back and forth. 

We are both right. No one will win. 

.I end the greeting by thanking me for talking to me straight  I kill the candles and sit in silence and darkness processing what I’ve learned. I decide there, now that I have met the raw side of me, how I want to be. I have seen the truth in my strength and weakness. 

Now, I can begin work to break down what I am right now to truly evolve from trapped to realized.